Defiant Wisdom

Tag: survival instinct

Narratives shaped by urgency, adaptation, or protective response — often rooted in trauma, burnout, or the need to stay intact.

  • Trapped and Held

    Trapped and Held

    The Dream

    I miss the ball as it rolls off the cliff.

    I scramble,
    I peer.

    The stone hand saves it from the sea.

    I point,
    they abseil,

    Down

    to its rescue.

    The cliff,
    I face.

    A rope,
    I climb.

    Too short,
    I slide.

    More rock,
    less steep.

    Too smooth,
    I cry.

    Panicked,
    I call.

    It’s OK,
    She reassures.

    I am…
    I’m scared.

    My eyes
    shut tight.

    The Meaning

    the ball
    Something goes wrong. I instinctively become responsible.

    the stone hand
    I fear loss, but the problem is held.

    rescue
    In my attempt to rescue, it’s now me who needs saving.

    the rope
    Solving the problem myself can only take me so far.

    fear
    I stop pretending I can do it all myself, and I admit, I’m trapped and scared.

    help
    Support will come. But knowing I’ll be OK and feeling safe are not the same.

    What Lingers…

    What happens when rescuing creates its own danger?

    What if reassurance can be true but safety needs to be felt?

    Marginalia

  • Bang Bang Bang

    Bang Bang Bang

    The Dream

    Bang Bang Bang.

    Crouch.
    Be small.
    No.
    Smaller.

    Window.

    Climb.
    Jump?
    No.
    Hesitate.
    BANG BANG BANG.

    Fall…

    Thump.

    Shoes, 
    not right.

    Laces,
    too tight.

    Hurry!

    Traffic.

    Run!

    Car.
    Bang Bang Bang.
    Stop!

    He’s here.

    The Meaning

    danger
    My survival begins by making myself smaller while I assess the situation.

    hesitation
    Even when an exit is available, it comes with its own risk.

    shoes
    What would usually enable me, now suddenly hinders movement.

    car
    A fatal danger, and also my escape.

    him
    Holding out long enough. I’m no longer alone.

    What Lingers…

    What if survival is holding out long enough for help to arrive?

    What if the solution only appears after every available escape has demanded courage?

    Marginalia

  • A Wall of Snow and Ice

    A Wall of Snow and Ice

    The Dream

    trot
    trot
    trot.

    A wall 
    of snow and ice.

    He climbs down.
    My horse rears up.

    How do I pass,
    without breaking 
    my ass?

    “Use that bridge over there,”
    says
    the horse.

    The Meaning

    wall
    The way forward feels impossible to navigate safely.

    him
    He finds his own way. His solution isn’t mine.

    horse
    A part of me that’s sensitive to danger and assesses before acting. It has insight to share, if I’m willing to listen.

    bridge
    The obstacle is real, but the obvious way around it isn’t the only way. Looking only at what blocked the way made it easy to miss what already existed.

    What Lingers?…

    What if the way forward has been present all along, just beyond the problem?

    What if wisdom speaks from the place where panic cannot?

    Marginalia

  • Serpent

    Serpent

    The Dream

    Serpent.
    Head.
    Huge. 

    Strong,
    can’t…

    Hold. 

    Sling it,
    snakes back.

    Strike, fangs hiss.

    Sealed—I slam

    hard.

    The Meaning

    serpent
    Something is persistently demanding my attention.

    strength
    I’m struggling to cope, but I’m not avoiding it.

    strike
    I’m frightened of  being affected if I don’t deal with it properly.

    bathroom
    The room where we deal with our own s**t. I’m unable to get rid of whatever is bothering me, so I contain it. While the problem hasn’t gone away, its no longer free to strike.

    What Lingers…

    What if some threats can’t be defeated, only contained? 

    What if boundaries matter more than resolution?

    Marginalia

    Rather than try and solve every problem I’m faced with, I’m learning to find ways of containing them to reduce their impact.

  • The Nesting Vixen

    The Nesting Vixen

    The Dream

    A house I lived in.
    The vixen labours.
    She nests.

    I succour.

    Refuge
    care
    water
    paracetamol.

    I cannot stay.
    But they can.

    The Meaning

    house
    A place from my past becomes a place of refuge.

    birth
    Something vulnerable requires protection not control.

    care
    I can’t prevent every hardship. I offer what I can.

    leaving
    Things can continue without me.

    What Lingers?…

    What if care is about creating a refuge rather than solving? 

    What if we accept that what we can offer is enough?

    Marginalia

    Arriving at a point where I can’t fix or live for others. Unlike Their Old House I can only offer what I have, and that has to be enough.

  • Unfinished

    Unfinished

    The Dream

    In the name of
    our new house,
    partner and son.

    A mural? I moan.
    I list the basics
    not done.

    A spectre knocks,
    my boy stills
    to the bone.

    Its story, unfinished.
    I command.
    Pass on.

    You are not welcome here.
    Amen.

    The Meaning

    house
    A new endeavour is being undertaken.

    mural
    There’s a keenness to take care of foundational, essential aspects before concentrating on more purely creative or pleasurable projects.

    spectre
    Something either remains or appears to threaten the stability or safety of the situation.

    protection
    Here, quiet commitment becomes fierce protection: of what belongs, what needs protecting, and what doesn’t get access.

    What Lingers…

    Does every demand automatically have a claim on us?

    What if our ordinary groundedness is also our greatest weapon?

    Marginalia

    A new herb course, an ageing father, lots of things outside the family unit are demanding attention and time. But not everything unfinished is mine to carry.
    Finding a way to separate what is mine from what isn’t, and decide what gets access, has been crucial recently.

  • After the Drain

    After the Drain

    The Dream

    Commercial bank
    warm and
    rank.

    Its fish
    dead
    or dying.

    Dial
    RSPCA.

    Sewage
    drains

    sludge
    remains.

    Fresh water
    pours.

    No.

    It’s still the same.

    The Meaning

    pond
    The bank of emotions needs its poisoned swamp draining of waste before it’s refilled.

    What Lingers…

    What if emotional renewal requires more than refilling? What if it demands a purge?

    What if healing can’t begin until the waste is named, not just drained?

    Marginalia

    Sometimes, life needs a clear-out. We collect experiences and relationships that aren’t always beneficial. Much like the resurfacing of old memories in The X Files, here my dreams are demonstrating how a new environment can be just as harmful if what was originally toxic remains present.  

  • Two Donkeys

    Two Donkeys

    The Dream

    Toy donkeys
    wander city roads.

    Ears.
    A bow in spotted red.

    Ha!

    Toy donkeys

    No!

    Real donkeys?

    One skittish,
    the other, calm.

    Phone box.
    RSPCA?
    No space?
    What?

    But they’re not mine.

    The Meaning

    donkeys
    Life’s inconveniences. They wander in and demand attention.

    RSPCA
    I try to reallocate the problem. To the person whose job it should be.

    responsibility
    Responsibility arrives through proximity. I noticed; now I’m involved.

    What Lingers…

    What happens when conscience becomes responsibility?

    What if responsibility arrives before consent?

    Marginalia

    Life isn’t a funfair, it’s messy, sometimes absurd, and takes up space. My dream hands me two problems. There’s a reluctance from me. I tried to redirect to the proper authority. These are not my problems and yet I’m left dealing with them anyway.

  • Part 2: The Break-In

    Part 2: The Break-In

    The Dream

    My house.
    I lived here—
    once upon a time.

    My son.
    Sleeping upstairs—
    small but not cosy.

    The door.
    A huge bolt,
    but so many holes.

    The windows.
    So many,
    with useless curtains.

    I am exposed.

    A knock.
    From the darkness—
    a man, desperate.

    “Open up!
    I need money—
    I see you in there!”

    I’m silent.
    He’s angered—
    smashing his way in.

    “Fire!”
    I shout—
    I’m terrified now.

    The Meaning

    house
    A past place of exposure and vulnerability.

    door
    One access point now, but full of holes. My inner boundary under direct threat.

    windows
    How I’m perceived. Someone sees me as withholding, but my refusal comes from fear, protection, and context—not stinginess.

    curtains
    I can’t hide myself. Transparency makes me a target.

    attack
    A collision of learned behaviour, fear of overextending, misunderstanding, and maternal instinct. I’m literally under siege.

    fire
    Survival strategy at its peak. I don’t cry for help—no one will come. I shout “fire” to draw people in through spectacle and self-interest.

    What Lingers…

    What if desire to help sits hand in hand with the fear of giving too much?

    What if the forgotten safety of intuition is replaced with survival scripts to protect?

    Marginalia

    After The Renovation from the night before, as much as this dream feels like its sequel, it doesn’t feel like it’s mine.

    I’ve spoken before about how dream sequences ramp themselves towards a terrible climax. Each night teasing themselves closer to the ‘root’ of the issue being explored.

    In Not My Dream, I also discussed how I’ve had dreams that haven’t belonged to me. This I believe, is another of those dreams.

    Only yesterday, I’d posted the insights I’d discovered about my maternal great-grandmother in Fragments of Catherine. In it, I state how she overextended her boundaries. This dream feels like her warning to me.

    To trust my instincts when things ‘feel’.

    To make sure I have boundaries in place. Not just in my waking life, but in my dreams also.

  • Part 1: The Renovation

    Part 1: The Renovation

    The Dream

    My house —
    so big.
    So many
    front doors.
    It’s perfect
    to split.

    Everything
    needs renovating.
    It’s such a
    disaster.

    When it’s done,
    I’ll rent the rooms
    to refugees.
    It’ll be safe
    here.

    The Meaning

    house
    It’s back. This time in ruins.

    door
    Access points to my inner world. More than one way in or out. I’m open.

    renovation
    The interior is chaos, but I’m not giving up. I’m ready to rebuild from scratch — not patch over. What’s reborn here isn’t just for me. I want it to shelter those still seeking safety.

    What Lingers…

    What if inner ruin can be repurposed into refuge?

    What if usefulness begins not with perfection, but with making one room ready?

    Marginalia

    I think I’ve already mentioned elsewhere that I only ever recall dreams that have a message for me. Because of that, I don’t remember every bit of brain fodder, and days, weeks, and months might go by before I recall again.

    Sometimes the recall comes in flurries. It’s been over a month since my last ‘recalled’ dream. I’ve now started my new herbal course and already feel confident that this was meant to be the way forward.

    The last time I dreamed of my house in The House That Contains Everything, I accepted all the rooms in it, even those that were cold. Here I’m on with the renovations and I’m clear about why I’m renovating… It’s to be for the benefit of others.